As you would have seen in my previous post I went to Bali for my birthday this year. Alas my trip was cut short due to unforeseen circumstances (fucken virus). I still had an amazing time in my short stay and I will definitely be back to explore more of the beauty and experiences that Bali has to offer.

So what I want to share with you in this particular page is:

Things I learnt in Bali – a comprehensive list

Believe me when I say it’s comprehensive – would I lie to you – ok don’t answer that just read the fucken list… or don’t, but then you’ve got this far already and had to click on the read more thing so go on… do it – YOU KNOW YOU WANT TOO….

  • You say “no thank you” a lot – seriously a lot.
  • There are scooters EVERYWHERE.
  • You can also ferry ANYTHING on a scooter – use your imagination – ok wait – stop right there – ok stop using your imagination – cheesus – lucky not everyone can read your mind.
  • When you scooter – safety is NOT first – no really, it isn’t.
  • If you come across a one way street on a scooter and you need to head towards on coming traffic – no fucken problem – use the sidewalk/footpath/the thing people choose to walk on so they don’t get run over – only to be run over by a scooter.
  • Taxi’s will beep their horn at you to see if you want a ride.
  • Intersections are BAT SHIT CRAZY – trust me just close your eyes – what you don’t see won’t leave you with nightmares.
  • You say “no thank you” a lot.
  • They still check cars for car bombs.
  • They replicate other brands REALLY WELL – like really fucken well – you’ll see in the photo’s.
  • There are temples and shrines EVERYWHERE.
  • There are more tattoo shops on one block than there are in the whole of New Zealand (well give or take a few – you get the idea).
  • Oh yes – they think Australian’s are Americans – LOL 😆 – I thought this was fucken hilarious – the Australians, not so much.
  • Their coffee culture is pretty fucken amazing – really it is you should go and see for yourself.
  • Coffee is more expensive than beer.
  • You can buy a beer for $3-50.
  • They literally only cater to tourists – its all they do.
  • Their markets and shops are really cheap yet tourists still negotiate – everything is SUPER cheap regardless dickheads just pay the money.
  • Their fruit selection is AMAZING.
  • They have a delivery service similar to Uber and Uber Eats – except, you guessed it they are on scooters (remember I said there are scooters EVERYWHERE). (Oh and yes Uber on the back of the scooter – helmets are optional).
  • There are “Pro Surf Schools” EVERYWHERE – not as many as tattoo shops though.
  • You will pay as little as $70-00 for a full hair colour service – and it is pretty damn good job too – my hair hasn’t fallen out – yet.
  • It’s hotter than Satan’s backpack that he left in the boot of is car in the sun over summer – not even joking.
  • Tourists go to the monkey forest to see the monkeys – you would think that since its called the “monkey forest” that that’s what you are there for – no its a village where the temples are still in use (they still bury people there – eeek a live graveyard!!!)
  • There are also bats that live in the gathering halls in the village – they didn’t see that though they where too busy taking photos of monkey’s shagging.
  • Drivers do not feel the need to indicate – EVER.
  • They have real risky driving practices – like I said before – don’t fucken look – if you where a cat you would come out with -7 lives.
  • You can smoke anywhere.
  • Also you can still buy cigarettes without feeling like you are committing a crime.
  • There are a lot of single lane dual streets – confused – fuck I was when there was a car coming towards my car – remember – don’t look (I thought I might mention that I was not the driver – so yes I could close my eyes).
  • You say “no thank you” a lot.
  • Do NOT attempt a pedestrian crossing – they will run you the fuck over.
  • There does not appear to be a speed limit – again just don’t fucken look.
  • Tourists take advantage of the fact that English is not a first language for most Balinese and use this to their slimy advantage. (Yes you at the Spa – I heard what you said – COCK).
  • Balinese take amazing pride in their work.
  • It’s hotter than Satans backpack that he left at the lavaside (yes that is a word – a word that I made up) for a week.
  • You sweat more than a crack whore going through withdrawals – think Mark Renton in Trainspotting and multiply that by 1000. (I urge you not to imagine that – you will never be able to erase that image from your mind – oh I see I’m already too late – oh well).
  • The food is quite AMAZING no matter what you have.
  • Feeling homesick – no fucken problem – the Balinese have your back – they have KFC, MacDonalds, Pizza Hut, Dominoes and Burger King.
  • Some (not a lot) Balinese still speak Dutch – bet you didn’t know that little nugget of useless information.
  • They use recycled water – EVERYWHERE – go on, go get your cheap tattoo that you negotiated the price down on then go jump in the shower – wanker.
  • The market stalls wash their front sidewalks every morning without fail.
  • Either they love koi or they think the tourists love koi – where there is a water feature you will find koi – I shit you not.
  • They still have really old school building practices – as in they still use bamboo and not scaffolding.
  • Their flora is beautiful (that’s flowers for those who have just asked Siri). Yes I could have said plant life – but I didn’t.
  • How could I almost not remember until I checked my notes – you can buy beer at a dairy – true story.
  • You say “no thank you” a lot – I feel like I’ve said that a lot – let me know if I’ve said that a lot will you.

Published by heidisch78

Where do I start. Here I guess.

5 thoughts on “Bali…

  1. Looks amazing for a trip cut short imagine what more u could gotten up to if circumstances were different geeeeshh you more like “no thank you” . I like yr work.


  2. Looks amazing for a trip cut short imagine what more u could gotten up to if circumstances were different geeeeshh you more like “no thank you” . I like yr work.


    1. No I sort of was having a beer one day and was thinking about everything and was listing it in my head then I thought hey, why don’t I start a blog. I only wrote the list on my last day there 😊. A note book would have been handy 😁


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