Bali…

As you would have seen in my previous post I went to Bali for my birthday this year. Alas my trip was cut short due to unforeseen circumstances (fucken virus). I still had an amazing time in my short stay and I will definitely be back to explore more of the beauty and experiences that Bali has to offer.

So what I want to share with you in this particular page is:

Things I learnt in Bali – a comprehensive list

Believe me when I say it’s comprehensive – would I lie to you – ok don’t answer that just read the fucken list… or don’t, but then you’ve got this far already and had to click on the read more thing so go on… do it – YOU KNOW YOU WANT TOO….

• You say “no thank you” a lot – seriously a lot.
• There are scooters EVERYWHERE.
• You can also ferry ANYTHING on a scooter – use your imagination – ok wait – stop right there – ok stop using your imagination – cheesus – lucky not everyone can read your mind.
• When you scooter – safety is NOT first – no really, it isn’t.
• If you come across a one way street on a scooter and you need to head towards on coming traffic – no fucken problem – use the sidewalk/footpath/the thing people choose to walk on so they don’t get run over – only to be run over by a scooter.
• Taxi’s will beep their horn at you to see if you want a ride.
• Intersections are BAT SHIT CRAZY – trust me just close your eyes – what you don’t see won’t leave you with nightmares.
• You say “no thank you” a lot.
• They still check cars for car bombs.
• They replicate other brands REALLY WELL – like really fucken well – you’ll see in the photo’s.
• There are temples and shrines EVERYWHERE.
• There are more tattoo shops on one block than there are in the whole of New Zealand (well give or take a few – you get the idea).
• Oh yes – they think Australian’s are Americans – LOL 😆 – I thought this was fucken hilarious – the Australians, not so much.
• Their coffee culture is pretty fucken amazing – really it is you should go and see for yourself.
• Coffee is more expensive than beer.
• You can buy a beer for $3-50.
• They literally only cater to tourists – its all they do.
• Their markets and shops are really cheap yet tourists still negotiate – everything is SUPER cheap regardless dickheads just pay the money.
• Their fruit selection is AMAZING.
• They have a delivery service similar to Uber and Uber Eats – except, you guessed it they are on scooters (remember I said there are scooters EVERYWHERE). (Oh and yes Uber on the back of the scooter – helmets are optional).
• There are “Pro Surf Schools” EVERYWHERE – not as many as tattoo shops though.
• You will pay as little as $70-00 for a full hair colour service – and it is pretty damn good job too – my hair hasn’t fallen out – yet.
• It’s hotter than Satan’s backpack that he left in the boot of is car in the sun over summer – not even joking.
• Tourists go to the monkey forest to see the monkeys – you would think that since its called the “monkey forest” that that’s what you are there for – no its a village where the temples are still in use (they still bury people there – eeek a live graveyard!!!)
• There are also bats that live in the gathering halls in the village – they didn’t see that though they where too busy taking photos of monkey’s shagging.
• Drivers do not feel the need to indicate – EVER.
• They have real risky driving practices – like I said before – don’t fucken look – if you where a cat you would come out with -7 lives.
• You can smoke anywhere.
• Also you can still buy cigarettes without feeling like you are committing a crime.
• There are a lot of single lane dual streets – confused – fuck I was when there was a car coming towards my car – remember – don’t look (I thought I might mention that I was not the driver – so yes I could close my eyes).
• You say “no thank you” a lot.
• Do NOT attempt a pedestrian crossing – they will run you the fuck over.
• There does not appear to be a speed limit – again just don’t fucken look.
• Tourists take advantage of the fact that English is not a first language for most Balinese and use this to their slimy advantage. (Yes you at the Spa – I heard what you said – COCK).
• Balinese take amazing pride in their work.
• It’s hotter than Satans backpack that he left at the lavaside (yes that is a word – a word that I made up) for a week.
• You sweat more than a crack whore going through withdrawals – think Mark Renton in Trainspotting and multiply that by 1000. (I urge you not to imagine that – you will never be able to erase that image from your mind – oh I see I’m already too late – oh well).
• The food is quite AMAZING no matter what you have.
• Feeling homesick – no fucken problem – the Balinese have your back – they have KFC, MacDonalds, Pizza Hut, Dominoes and Burger King.
• Some (not a lot) Balinese still speak Dutch – bet you didn’t know that little nugget of useless information.
• They use recycled water – EVERYWHERE – go on, go get your cheap tattoo that you negotiated the price down on then go jump in the shower – wanker.
• The market stalls wash their front sidewalks every morning without fail.
• Either they love koi or they think the tourists love koi – where there is a water feature you will find koi – I shit you not.
• They still have really old school building practices – as in they still use bamboo and not scaffolding.
• Their flora is beautiful (that’s flowers for those who have just asked Siri). Yes I could have said plant life – but I didn’t.
• How could I almost not remember until I checked my notes – you can buy beer at a dairy – true story.
• You say “no thank you” a lot – I feel like I’ve said that a lot – let me know if I’ve said that a lot will you.