As you would have seen in my previous post I went to Bali for my birthday this year. Alas my trip was cut short due to unforeseen circumstances (fucken virus). I still had an amazing time in my short stay and I will definitely be back to explore more of the beauty and experiences that Bali has to offer.
So what I want to share with you in this particular page is:
Things I learnt in Bali – a comprehensive list
Believe me when I say it’s comprehensive – would I lie to you – ok don’t answer that just read the fucken list… or don’t, but then you’ve got this far already and had to click on the read more thing so go on… do it – YOU KNOW YOU WANT TOO….
- You say “no thank you” a lot – seriously a lot.
- There are scooters EVERYWHERE.
- You can also ferry ANYTHING on a scooter – use your imagination – ok wait – stop right there – ok stop using your imagination – cheesus – lucky not everyone can read your mind.
- When you scooter – safety is NOT first – no really, it isn’t.
- If you come across a one way street on a scooter and you need to head towards on coming traffic – no fucken problem – use the sidewalk/footpath/the thing people choose to walk on so they don’t get run over – only to be run over by a scooter.
- Taxi’s will beep their horn at you to see if you want a ride.
- Intersections are BAT SHIT CRAZY – trust me just close your eyes – what you don’t see won’t leave you with nightmares.
- You say “no thank you” a lot.
- They still check cars for car bombs.
- They replicate other brands REALLY WELL – like really fucken well – you’ll see in the photo’s.
- There are temples and shrines EVERYWHERE.
- There are more tattoo shops on one block than there are in the whole of New Zealand (well give or take a few – you get the idea).
- Oh yes – they think Australian’s are Americans – LOL 😆 – I thought this was fucken hilarious – the Australians, not so much.
- Their coffee culture is pretty fucken amazing – really it is you should go and see for yourself.
- Coffee is more expensive than beer.
- You can buy a beer for $3-50.
- They literally only cater to tourists – its all they do.
- Their markets and shops are really cheap yet tourists still negotiate – everything is SUPER cheap regardless dickheads just pay the money.
- Their fruit selection is AMAZING.
- They have a delivery service similar to Uber and Uber Eats – except, you guessed it they are on scooters (remember I said there are scooters EVERYWHERE). (Oh and yes Uber on the back of the scooter – helmets are optional).
- There are “Pro Surf Schools” EVERYWHERE – not as many as tattoo shops though.
- You will pay as little as $70-00 for a full hair colour service – and it is pretty damn good job too – my hair hasn’t fallen out – yet.
- It’s hotter than Satan’s backpack that he left in the boot of is car in the sun over summer – not even joking.
- Tourists go to the monkey forest to see the monkeys – you would think that since its called the “monkey forest” that that’s what you are there for – no its a village where the temples are still in use (they still bury people there – eeek a live graveyard!!!)
- There are also bats that live in the gathering halls in the village – they didn’t see that though they where too busy taking photos of monkey’s shagging.
- Drivers do not feel the need to indicate – EVER.
- They have real risky driving practices – like I said before – don’t fucken look – if you where a cat you would come out with -7 lives.
- You can smoke anywhere.
- Also you can still buy cigarettes without feeling like you are committing a crime.
- There are a lot of single lane dual streets – confused – fuck I was when there was a car coming towards my car – remember – don’t look (I thought I might mention that I was not the driver – so yes I could close my eyes).
- You say “no thank you” a lot.
- Do NOT attempt a pedestrian crossing – they will run you the fuck over.
- There does not appear to be a speed limit – again just don’t fucken look.
- Tourists take advantage of the fact that English is not a first language for most Balinese and use this to their slimy advantage. (Yes you at the Spa – I heard what you said – COCK).
- Balinese take amazing pride in their work.
- It’s hotter than Satans backpack that he left at the lavaside (yes that is a word – a word that I made up) for a week.
- You sweat more than a crack whore going through withdrawals – think Mark Renton in Trainspotting and multiply that by 1000. (I urge you not to imagine that – you will never be able to erase that image from your mind – oh I see I’m already too late – oh well).
- The food is quite AMAZING no matter what you have.
- Feeling homesick – no fucken problem – the Balinese have your back – they have KFC, MacDonalds, Pizza Hut, Dominoes and Burger King.
- Some (not a lot) Balinese still speak Dutch – bet you didn’t know that little nugget of useless information.
- They use recycled water – EVERYWHERE – go on, go get your cheap tattoo that you negotiated the price down on then go jump in the shower – wanker.
- The market stalls wash their front sidewalks every morning without fail.
- Either they love koi or they think the tourists love koi – where there is a water feature you will find koi – I shit you not.
- They still have really old school building practices – as in they still use bamboo and not scaffolding.
- Their flora is beautiful (that’s flowers for those who have just asked Siri). Yes I could have said plant life – but I didn’t.
- How could I almost not remember until I checked my notes – you can buy beer at a dairy – true story.
- You say “no thank you” a lot – I feel like I’ve said that a lot – let me know if I’ve said that a lot will you.
Monkey in the monkey forest – coincidence? Pretty flowers – this my friend is a turmeric plant Hmmm almost chocolate Such good food Beer at a dairy Their Uber Oh look – another tattoo shop Scooters What you can carry on said scooter New hair don’t care! This is not real Adidas Safety is not first Amazing fruit They seem to love koi One of MANY temples Cigarettes out in the wild OMG a graveyard Hhhhmmmm coffee
Looks amazing for a trip cut short imagine what more u could gotten up to if circumstances were different geeeeshh you more like “no thank you” . I like yr work.
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Looks amazing for a trip cut short imagine what more u could gotten up to if circumstances were different geeeeshh you more like “no thank you” . I like yr work.
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What a great idea, should’ve done that when I lived in Japan. It would be a fairly comprehensive list too. Do you have a notebook you write all this down in?
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No I sort of was having a beer one day and was thinking about everything and was listing it in my head then I thought hey, why don’t I start a blog. I only wrote the list on my last day there 😊. A note book would have been handy 😁
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Very funny and wonderfully descriptive. Loved it.
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